Tools of Transformation

By Kevin Fortune

Diane and Rick are a young couple who came to see me because, while they love each other very much and couldn’t imagine not being with each other, the “spark” in their lovemaking was diminishing. I found them to be personable, funny, and the picture of health. They were also really frustrated that their desire for each other did not lead to extended lovemaking. I asked gentle but probing questions and as they talked about their relationship, I began to see the patterns that had formed from their unconscious beliefs. They had each carried their emotional past into their experience of being with each other.

Let’s say, for example, that he was late for something that was important to her. As it gets later and later what bubbles up for her is, “He doesn’t really care about me. My wants don’t count. He’s not trustworthy. How could he do this to me? I’m not loveable.” Meanwhile, perhaps his cell phone battery is dead and he is stuck in traffic and it has nothing to do with her issues. Or, he may be unconsciously acting out from his feeling of powerlessness, inadequacy, and being controlled. Later in bed she doesn’t want to have sex and what comes up for him is, “If she really loved me she would have sex with me, I’m not loveable. I’m angry.” He needs sex to feel acceptable as a man. Or perhaps she wants to make love but he feels nothing. He’s not turned on at all. Underneath he may feel inadequate, some performance anxiety, and not safe and to save face he makes his lack of arousal her problem. These are simplifications but I’m guessing you get the picture.

They were moderately aware that they had issues that had begun long before they met each other, but felt stuck in their ability to change them. Their interpretations of each other’s actions, what things meant, were very different. Sex had become the undeserving crucible for their unresolved emotions and outdated, unconscious beliefs.

One of the post powerful tools I’ve found for shifting these negative emotions and beliefs is EFT. (Emotional Freedom Techniques) The discovery statement of Gary Craig – founder of EFT – is: “The cause of all negative emotions is a disruption in the body’s energy system.” Much has been written about these techniques in great detail but for the aim of this short story I will say that through identifying these unresolved traumas, emotions, and old “agreements”, accepting them, and unblocking the meridian pathways by tapping on these energy points, the brain is able to integrate and neutralize their negative effects.

Over time I “tapped” with Diane and Rick on their core issues until they were laughing about them. No longer were they frustrated and stuck. Then they got to really absorb and use the many wonderful tantric techniques of communication and intimacy, forgiveness, touch, breathing, movement, sound, ejaculation delay, expanded orgasm, loving kindness, and meditation. They learned about “Loving Hands,” the art of pleasuring. I watched them transform their wounded power struggle into one of true loving partnering. When difficulty and pain arises, as it will, they now have the tools of transformation at hand in their everyday life and not just for an hour or two with me.

Their story may be familiar to you whether or not you’re in relationship right now. Looking at their happiness I wished that I had had these resources when I was much younger. I am grateful for them now both for myself and to share with others. Younger or older, it’s not too late.

Kevin Fortune