Healthy Sex in Relationship
(Means never having to prove anything)

Sex is a celebration! Period. It is a joy and a blessing!

It is not meant for so many of the things that we burden it with. Here are some examples: We use sex for validation that we’re OK, that we’re loved, that we’re desirable. (What happens if your partner doesn’t validate you? How do you feel?) We do it only to appease our partner when we may not really want it. We do it to get that “fix”. Most of all, sex is not meant to prove anything. “If you really loved me...” These are all conditions or deals that go along with the human ego experience, and have nothing to do with the energy of sensuality, sexuality. Sexual energy is not mental energy. When something isn’t working, the intellect comes in and says, “Well, this comes from this; this comes from my childhood.” We make comparisons to past experiences and partners. We are then owned by the past and not living in the moment.

Celebration is enjoying everything as it is. I would call it the “graceful alchemy” of the Tantric path. It’s easy to celebrate and acknowledge yourself when you’re having a good day and things are going well but where the rubber meets the road is when you can celebrate and acknowledge your right to have a down day. Having down days and emotions triggered from the past are part of the territory. Don’t deny them but rather acknowledge what you are experiencing without intellectualizing it. In other words, feel the feelings and let go of the story. We’ve all heard about “Unconditional Love” and while we may know it intellectually, it’s pretty challenging to walk the talk. Let the expectations, blaming and judgments fall away. That is Unconditional Being. That alchemy of forgiveness and non-judgment (first for yourself) facilitates awakening and communion with your true soul mate – your Higher Self.

You were taught that a man must do certain things and have certain responses. A woman must have certain responses and reactions. Roles were determined. True fulfillment was not allowed to manifest under those intellectual conditions. When you embrace that there’s nothing left to prove, nothing more to demonstrate and that primary partnership occurs, the one within, then you can have a partnership with another person. So sexuality won’t be, “Am I good enough?” You won’t question the experience but revel in what you’ve shared. Then sexuality can become an opening through the body to the spiritual and the mystical.

So what does this have to do with sex? A lot! Be honest about what you want and express it. Don’t expect your partner to automatically know how to pleasure you. Become your own best lover. Invite your partner in and help them to know who you are. Show them. And listen to their heart when they’re expressing who they are. Whatever experience you’re having together, fully take it in throughout your whole body and let your mind observe only, not evaluate. Breathe it in, move with it, make sounds, laugh.

The greatest gift of love is freedom on every level. Set your intentions for your relationship this year with excitement and humor and remember that there is only abundance. Enjoy everything. The greatest fun is yet to come.

Kevin Fortune